Spider Veins of the Heart

I wasn’t going to post this, but a friend has convinced me to.

Well, here I am again, up at the crack of distress. Some people can’t sleep on the front end of night when life pokes them. I have no problem going to sleep. For a while. After my body has rested, my mind has to get up and sort things out. It is very frustrating, because I really needed to sleep this morning. But over the years I have learned to just flow with it instead of fighting it. These early hours bring me my best insights. I’m always surprised at what comes out of me.

I have done a whole lot of healing from past heartbreaks, and I thank God for healing me. But there are still aftershocks. Spider veins. You know, those ugly little broken veins that appear in parts of the body that endure the most pressure. “A group of veins radiating outward from a dark central point” (plasticsurgery.org). In this analogy, they are the backwaters of heartbreak.

Veins have valves that act as one-way flaps. These valves prevent the blood from flowing backwards… If the one-way valves become weak, blood can leak back into the vein and collect there. womenshealth.gov

Nothing can rival the tsunami of pain from fresh trauma, but that can only happen once. After the initial break, the heart then suffers aftershocks, waves of pain as the large parts fracture into smaller parts with each incidence. Over time, these waves become smaller and shorter. Finally, after prolonged exposure, there just isn’t much left except these final wimpy little spider veins leaking out whatever vitality was left.

Spider veins are permanent. After the bruising stage they aren’t painful, but because they are so close to the skin, they are always visible. You can’t cover them up. You just have to accept them. You just have to look at them and remember where they came from. You just have to realize that you endured a lot of pain to get to this point, yet you survive. You just have to live with them and know there was nothing else in your power that could be done this side of of living a lie.

These aftershocks don’t change how you feel about the people involved. Love is love. What changes is how you react. How you live with it. Acceptance. A release of pressure as the valve collapses. A final gasp as all efforts die. Spider veins signal the demise of a sick heart and the beginning of building a new one.

I know that a number of my friends, who painfully slog through their own journeys, will understand exactly what I am talking about–a slow deterioration of the heart. Some of you reading this won’t. If this makes no sense to you, you should get down on your knees right now and thank God that you have been spared. And live your life in such a way that you don’t send others there either.