In winding down this blog, I am going through my drafts, reviewing the posts you never saw. There are a lot of them, some of which I will share, including this one written October 9, 2007. I always expected to have tribulations in life, but I never expected them to come from my family. This post is an important testimony to my journey, so I am posting it.
October 9, 2007
“We are not built for the mountains and the dawns and aesthetic affinities, those are for moments of inspiration, that is all. We are built for the valley, for the ordinary stuff we are in, and that is where we have to prove our mettle.”
~ Oswald Chamber~
“…we must through much tribulation enter into the kingdom of God.”
I don’t feel strong any more. Life events in the last two years have pounded at me until my very foundation has been rocked. As life beats on us, we can stand firm in God, but that doesn’t mean that the important things around us won’t fall apart.
God has never left me, but most of the time I feel too unworthy to be His daughter. I fail to ask for help because I don’t deserve it. But isn’t that the point? What if I had to be perfect before Christ’s sacrifice applied to me? Then there would be no Hope.
Anger, bitterness, and rebellion are new to me. I have never had to look them in the eye before. My faith in God has never wavered. But my faith in myself….well, I’m still working on that.
I had envisioned my “Second Act” in life as a wonderful time, enjoying my family, enjoying the skills, interests, and talents God has given me. I envisioned peace and happiness while journeying toward our “Golden Years” with my husband.
Instead, family events have stressed my heart strings to the breaking point, snapping them like taut guitar strings. Now I am damaged. Now I have to choose to do the right things based on knowing they are the right things, not based on what is in my heart. Now fighting my heart is a constant battle. It is very draining.
I know I will be ok. Better than ok. I know I will be victorious. But I still have to walk through life’s tribulations. I knew they would come; they come into everyone’s lives. But I didn’t know how deeply I would be impacted. I didn’t know how much they would hurt. I didn’t know how much I would lose. I didn’t know how much I would change….
Precious God in Heaven, you know my heart like no one can. You see me as I am and know what You will make of me. Lord God, let this fire be Your refining fire. Burn out all my impurities. Reconnect my heart strings. When I get past this, through Your strength, may I come out of Your refining fire as a reflection of You, welded to You, an honorable daughter.
